confessionsofabookaholic

A blog to share my enthusiasm for books.

British Humour Is Different

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is…
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
 
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker – Billy Connolly.
“If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking,
how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand….. ?
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s… Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________image from http://www.clipart.co.uk/
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This entry was posted on March 7, 2012 by in humour and tagged , , .

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